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周庭 Agnes Chow（@chowtingagnes）
2023-12-03 https://www.instagram.com/p/C0ZLz6TOL4b/
#周庭 #香港眾志 #香港 #國安法 #政治迫害

【I】

很久沒見了。大家這幾年過得好嗎，有繼續努力生活、堅持善良嗎。

這數年，我想我跟你們一樣，都經歷了很多轉變。

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2020年11月23日，我因警總案開始還押，隨後被判入獄。判刑僅僅是十個月，以現今的標準來說，是「相當的短」。縱使如此，監禁期間，我一直很害怕自己無法出獄，因為自己在那年8月因國安法被捕，若在服刑期間被起訴，就不知道何年何月才能重獲自由了。直至出獄前最後一晚，我仍然被「無法出獄」的想像和恐怖重重包圍，也總是想起國安搜屋、判刑、被鎖上手扣、脫光衣服被懲教檢查等情景，這一切，也是我失去自由的證明。

幸運地，我能在2021年6月離開監獄。心中的恐懼和不安，卻絲毫沒有消失。

出獄後，我仍需遵守國安法的擔保條件，需要定期報到，護照亦一直被沒收，不能出境。按照國安法的程序，每三個月，國安都會要求我簽署一份「扣留旅遊證件通知書」，通知我護照會被多扣留三個月，三個月又三個月，三個月又三個月。每次報到，我也擔心會隨時再被拘捕，即使回到家，也總是想像着，國安會否在某個清晨，就如上次般，敲打着我家的門，試圖把鎖撬爛，破門而入，再次用某個罪名把我帶走。每天，這些想像也會在我的腦海裏湧現，而我除了大哭、崩潰、顫抖，又或者和朋友訴說我的恐懼，我什麼也做不了，什麼也做不了。

後來，隨着症狀愈來愈多，情況愈來愈來嚴重，經過醫生診斷，我知道了，原來這些東西名為焦慮症、驚恐症、創傷後壓力症，以及抑鬱症。幾個情緒病的混雜，令我的身心處於非常不穩定的狀態，而我也知道，自己無處可逃。

時間慢慢過去，出獄幾年，我沒有作任何公開活動，沒有參與政治，也沒有再和從前的朋友聯絡，只能在寂靜中等待。但我仍然沒有獲得出境的權利，護照未有發還，有時候國安還會在報到時「關心」我的狀況——收入、工作、家庭、人際關係，就像每隔一段時間也會有人提醒着你：你並沒有重獲自由，仍然受到監察，不要試圖做些什麼事情（當然我也沒有，只敢戰戰兢兢地生活）。定期報到見國安、部分自由被剝奪、情緒不穩、（前）民主派政治人物的身份為生活帶來的種種限制，再加上無止境的等待，我的心理狀況每況愈下，2023年，是我的情緒、身體最差的一年。

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與此同時，面對如此複雜的環境，今年我亦作出一個重要的決定，就是報讀碩士課程。這數年，固然也有不少新的經驗，但還是自覺浪費了青春，就算機會不大，還是想試試申請到海外留學，總比無了期的等待，或坐以待斃來得好。決定倉卒，急急寫了portfolio和CV，最後有幸得到加拿大一所大學取錄。然後我便拿着大學的conditional offer，向國安提交了申請。申請過程中，國安要求我提交大學、學科、時間表、宿舍、過數紀錄等資料，又面見查問我報讀課程的原因。他們更要求我寫下「悔過書」，指自己對過往的政治參與感到後悔，今後不會再參與，也不會與相關的人士，包括學民和眾志的成員聯絡。（在國安面前，若不願意作出一些妥協（或曰不願意與警方合作），輕則失去讀書的機會，重則不能離開差館，當時的我只希望，可以安全離港升學。）

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https://www.instagram.com/p/C0ZL33POAej/

【II】

經過多重關卡，今年七月初，國安告知，如果我想到加拿大升學，還有一個條件：「跟我哋返一次大陸」（即是由香港警務處國安處人員「陪同」和「保護」到中國大陸）。國安會安排和我一起申請回鄉證，然後一同到深圳一日，完成行程後他們便會把護照交還給我，我只需在大學假期時回港報到就可以。

我知道，在國安面前，其實我沒有拒絕的權利；同時，萬一有什麼事情，我就是「主動送中」了，那段時期，心中一直非常恐懼，生怕所有事情都會是自己的「最後」。

八月某天，我便在五名香港國安人員的「陪同」下，到了中國大陸。

那天我們一大早便出發，我拿着剛申請到的回鄉證過境，一直夢寐以求的出境竟然是到中國大陸，而若果能順利回港，國安會否履行承諾交還護照也是未知之數，心情很複雜。當天，除了某些吃喝玩樂的行程，我還被安排參觀「改革開放展覽」，了解中國及共產黨的發展，以及歷代領導人的「輝煌成就」；之後我也被安排到騰訊總部，了解「祖國的科技發展」。坦白說，我從不否定中國的經濟發展，但一個如此強大的國家，要將爭取民主的人送入監牢、限制出入境自由，還要求以進入中國大陸參觀愛國展覽作為取回護照的交換條件，這何嘗不是一種脆弱呢。

整趟行程中，雖然沒有安排面見任何官員黨員，也沒有接受公安部盤問，但我感覺到自己全程是一直被監視的——「陪同」我的國安處人員，曾經和當地的對口單位交頭接耳；在參觀改革開放展覽和騰訊總部這些「重點行程」時，我亦有被要求和展覽的燈箱/logo打卡合照，隨行的深圳人司機也不斷拍下我的照片。若我一直保持沉默，那些照片或許會有天成為我「愛國」的證據——那種恐懼就是如此有形的。不少香港人會北上娛樂消費，而我卻是被迫到中國大陸以換取出境讀書的機會，只讓我感到非常諷刺。

回到香港，我再次被國安要求寫下「感謝警方安排，使我能了解祖國的偉大發展」的信件，這類親筆信件，我想那數月來我寫過好幾封了。最後，我在九月中順利離開香港到加拿大多倫多升學，而護照，是在出發前一天才收到的。不知不覺間，我已經來了差不多三個月，第一學期也快將要完結了。

／

而我想告訴大家，原定我要於十二月底回到香港，就國安法向警方報到，經過深思熟慮，包括考慮到香港的形勢、自身安全、我的生理和心理健康，我決定，不回去報到了，也大概一輩子不會回去了。主要的原因是，如果我回去報到，國安即使不拘捕或收回護照，也很有可能會像之前那樣，提出一些條件或進行問話，而我需要滿足他們才能回到加拿大。即使十二月底他們不這樣做，下年我再回港時，隨着香港形勢變得更嚴峻，他們也隨時可以再以調查為由禁止我出境。我不想再被迫做不想做的事情，也不想再被迫到中國大陸了。這樣下去，即使我人安全，身體和心靈也會崩潰。

我並不是最初便有這樣的打算的。還在香港時，我完全沒有思考過會否回港的問題，在連自己能否順利出境也不清楚的情況下，我根本沒有心思思考再之後的事情，可以到外國留學，已經很不容易了。來到加拿大安頓下來後，我才慢慢開始思考十二月的事，在得出答案前，我還買了十二月回港的機票。所以如果有人要說我處心積慮欺騙國安，那絕對是錯誤的陳述。

這數年切身感受到，免於恐懼的自由，是多麼可貴的東西。將來還有很多未知，但可以知道的是，我終於不用再為會否被捕而擔憂，也可以說想說的話、做想做的事了。在加拿大學習和療傷的同時，也希望能重拾過去因情緒病和種種壓力而放下了的興趣，好好建立屬於自己的節奏。自由來得不易，在擔驚受怕的日常中，更加珍惜所有沒有遺忘自己，關心自己、愛自己的人。願我們能在不久的將來重聚，好好擁抱彼此。

庭
寫於廿六歲的最後
多倫多

@real干大滋
2023-11-01 https://weibo.com/2822914093/NqsnBCNJk
#万圣节 #酷儿文化

我的妈呀，算得上是今年万圣节最震撼我的装扮了，甚至震撼到有点想哭，融合了封建旧社会和现代依然存在着对性少数群体的压迫，甚至还有文化影视的审核和传统文化的传承，花旦还融合了drag和跨性别议题，各种元素统统集合在这身行头上，是实打实的中国文化而不是洋节，而且充满细节毫不粗糙，今年最爱。 ​​​​

John Lone - a mysterious actor spreads his wings in M. Butterfly
Sheila Benson’s Interview with John Lone
1993-09 https://animus-inviolabilis.tumblr.com/post/147935015542/sheila-bensons-interview-with-john-lone
#蝴蝶君 #采访 #尊龙 #SheilaBenson #JohnLone #MButterfly #queer

Sheila:
You must be aware of your own persona, which is mysterious, almost genderless.

John:
I’m pretty knowing. I know people look at me and try to make conclusions about me immediately, based on the obvious, let’s say. And sometimes, I actually enjoy it. When I’m in front of heterosexual men-if we’re having a meeting, or whatever-from time to time I see this vulnerability in their body language and their face. Then I see their eyes glancing down to my lips, my mouth. Then I see them stop themselves, just shifting a little bit, just a little uneasy. I love it. I don’t go out of my way, but every time I get away with it, I do it.

Kat Abu（@abughazalehkat）
2023-10-10 https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1711454914424037537
#Gaza #Palestine #Israel #Egypt #IsraeliPalestinianConflict

🧵 A lot of Americans just don’t know what life is like for those in Gaza, so here’s an analogy that might help:
Imagine Gaza as Rhode Island. Here’s what reality would look like:

2/ Anyone from Rhode Island would be trapped within its borders.
Rhode Islanders can’t leave without express permission from Massachusetts. Connecticut is complicit in this plan, effectively restricting any movement from those trapped in RI.

Human Right’s Watch: Gaza: Israel’s ‘Open-Air Prison’ at 15 Israel, Egypt Movement Restrictions Wreak Havoc on Palestinian Lives
Israel’s closure policy blocks most Gaza residents from going to the West Bank, preventing professionals, artists, athletes, students, and others from pursuing opportunities within Palestine and from traveling abroad via Israel, restricting their rights to work and an education. Restrictive Egyptian policies at its Rafah crossing with Gaza, including unnecessary delays and mistreatment of travelers, have exacerbated the closure’s harm to human rights.
Since 2007, Israeli authorities have, with narrow exceptions, banned Palestinians from leaving through Erez, the passenger crossing from Gaza into Israel, through which they can reach the West Bank and travel abroad via Jordan. Israel also prevents Palestinian authorities from operating an airport or seaport in Gaza. Israeli authorities also sharply restrict the entry and exit of goods.

3/ Keep in mind, RI is the 2nd most densely-populated state in the U.S with 10x more land and half the amount of people of the Gaza Strip.
If we do a basic proportion for this analogy (land/population), RI’s population would be ~26,000,000.

Rhode Island area: 1,545 sq mi (4,001 sq km) Rhode Island population: 1,098,163
Gaza Strip population: 141 sq mi (365 sq km) Gaza Strip population: 2,375,259 (estimate)

4/ Despite hearing a lot of scary stuff about the people of Rhode Island, over 40% of its 26,000,000 is 14 or younger.
The median age in Rhode Island is 18 compared to 30 in the neighboring Massachusetts.

First, the Gaza Strip’s population of roughly 1.8 million has an unusually large proportion of children. Figures for 2013 from Index Mundi, the internet source of country data, show that that 43.5 per cent of the population is aged 14 or under, compared with 32 per cent in Egypt and 27 per cent in Israel. The median age in Gaza is 18, compared with a world average of 28. In most European countries it’s about 40, and it is 30 in Israel. Only in a dozen or so African countries is the median age lower, reaching 15 in Uganda.

5/ Even though the population is large and growing, only 4% of the fresh water in Rhode Island is drinkable.
The community has tried to get supplies to build water infrastructure, but those supplies need Massachusetts approval, which it denies 85% of the time.

Failing Gaza: undrinkable water, no access to toilets and little hope on the horizon
Palestinians in Gaza remember a time when almost everyone could drink clean water from the tap. Now less than four percent of fresh water is drinkable and the surrounding sea is polluted by sewage. Yet the international community is failing to do enough to protect the health and dignity of almost 2 million people who have nowhere else to go.
Less than 16% of items needed to construct vital water infrastructure are reaching Gaza Israel’s blockade of Gaza severely limits materials from entering, making it incredibly difficult to develop water and sanitation infrastructure to meet the needs of a growing population.
Water pollution is among the factors causing a dramatic increase in kidney problems in the Gaza Strip, Dr. Abdallah al-Kishawi told the AP recently, with a 13-14 percent increase every year in the number of patients admitted with kidney problems to Gaza City’s Shifa Hospital.

6/ And it’s not just water infrastructure.
Massachusetts authorities have stopped Rhode Island from receiving everything from wheelchairs to macaroni.
Because cement is also blocked, RIers have to repair their homes with mud after Massachusetts air raids.

Numerous aid agencies have reported that basic supplies have been seized by Israel. According to the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs “everything from wheelchairs, dry food items, and crayons, to stationary, soccer balls, and musical instruments” is being stopped. It was reported that the international aid group Mercy Corps, was blocked from sending 90 tons of macaroni and other foodstuffs. Israel was also reported to have prevented aid groups from sending in other items, such as paper, crayons, tomato paste and lentils. Because of an Israeli ban on the importation of ...

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